I’m Tired of Living Through History

The Changing of the World is Great, Fascinating, Exhausting, and Terrifying.

There is beauty in change.

When a mother grows her baby, they both become tired.

Change is exhausting.

I spent the first twenty years of my life wondering about days like these. I would daydream them, think of these kinds of days all the time. I’d think to myself, “that would be so crazy, wouldn’t it? If there was a worldwide condition that was out of our control?”

I don’t know why I thought such things were fun to dream about. I think it was the idea of surrealism.

Everything feels surreal now.

I remember my mother telling me about Columbine, and about 9/11. I could not understand the terror that she had felt at those times, but I felt it.

When I turned on the news to see a woman shot in the neck in the Capitol, I understood how my mother felt that day. I wonder if my mother also thought the world was falling on those days.

I remember, in 2008, my mother told me I was living in history.

“Why, mom?”

“Obama is the first black man to become president.”

I thought that was pretty cool, as I was also half black. I thought it was cool to live in a moment that would be considered historical. I was learning about history at that time, and I was getting a solid B+.

In early January, my best friend and I sat in her car and smoked, toasting the new year.

She was concerned, fretting over some new virus that was spreading. I told her not to worry, that life was too short to worry. I worried a lot, though, and I worried for her.

In April of 2020, my mother told me that we were living through a historical moment. I was scared, along with the rest of the world.

Everything felt so surreal. So out of control.

On January 6th, 1:45 pm central time, my mother told me to turn on the news and watch. I saw thousands of people surrounding and breaking into the Capitol.

“This is history, watch!”

I watched partially in horror, partially in numbness. I watched for hours on end to see the situation unfold. I did nothing else all day, and I was exhausted. I am still exhausted.

I am tired of making history.

I believe that change is natural, and at times, good. But also, I believe that change can be abrupt, and sometimes it shakes up the whole world.

I want change for my brothers and sisters. I want change for the children in cages. I want change for those who have no home to go to.

We have made history by dying by the hundreds of thousands. We have made history by disgracing our country on live television. I am tired of living through stories to tell my children.

Who wants to raise children in a world like this?

Diary of a girl with a constant headache.

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